Ask Me No Questions

A while back, I posted a question on an e-mail group I'm on... a question I thought was innocent enough, but evidently not. (Names withheld) I asked:

"Hi everyone!

Have any of you done the "_______" study from
_______? We're doing it on Wed nights at our church and I have to say... in spite of my general hatred of all things prophetic, I'm actually ENJOYING it and getting a lot out of it.... I'm also the resident cynic, taking notes about what he says and then deciding if he has proved each point or not. *guilty grin* Surprisingly... he seems to have proven almost everything so far!!!!"

Part of one reply I received shocked me so much! Person X said, among other things:

"Make sure you still remember that the Lord gets sweeter every single day and you dont need to question verything....study it, dig into it, but be careful "questioning" go find some thing wrong. It is like given the devil an opportunity for a strong hold on you. "

I also received other replies, hinting that I was rebelling against my pastor, didn't believe in the Bible, etc...

I have to admit that this drama has hurt me... not only do I wish I'd never spoken, but I feel like I've crossed a line I can never come back from... I'll never be seen the same again. I feel unforgiveable. I've been on this e-mail list for almost 10 years... we've laughed together, cried together, prayed together, studied the Bible together, heck, I've even driven to meet different people from the list in real life! We even had an official group meeting and church service once.

I don't know what to do... this list has been my security blanket... my one thing that reminds me that no matter how bad I've screwed up my spiritual walk, I'm working my way back. And now I've been too bad, and lost them... I wish someone would just for once decide to help me up, instead of walking away in disgust when they see me down.

The Alabaster Box

You might have already heard about the woman with the Alabaster box, or maybe you haven't. Her story is found in Luke 7:36-50, but I'll give an overview here. Jesus had been invited to eat at the house of a hoity-toity man (Lucky him. *eye roll*) They'd just gotten seated at the table for their meal, when their meal was rudely interupted by "a woman who had lived a sinful life." She didn't come in to seduce the men, or to convince them to sin like her....

She threw herself at Jesus's feet, and began to weep. She washed his feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and began to kiss them and anoint them with perfume she brought in a box made out of alabaster. She is the greatest example of humility I've ever seen...

The other men in the room began to mutter and become offended. They doubted his power, because he let a woman so sinful touch him. I mean, if he were so powerful, wouldn't he have KNOWN she was a sinner?

Jesus began to compare Simon the Pharasee (the hoity-toity who'd invited him to eat there) to this woman.

Simon, you didn't even give me some water to rinse my feet off with when I entered your house. This woman wept at my feet, and washed my feet with her TEARS.
You did not give me the customary greeting of a kiss, but this woman will not quit kissing MY FEET.
You did not put oil on my head, but this woman poured her perfume ON MY FEET.

Jesus explained that he forgave her... she had done many things wrong, but that didn't make her trash to him... it made her someone who would love him that much deeper, because so much had been forgiven. Simon, on the other hand, did not see his sin... he considered himself having done so little wrong, that forgiveness meant next to nothing to him.

Psalm 51:17 says: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."

I think Simon must not have read that verse lol He was so caught up in being "holy" by obeying rules, that he missed the heart of God.

A wierd note that I found today, that brought this scripture to my mind: Alabaster (what her perfume container was made out of), comes from either calcite or gypsum, both of which come from CAVES. You can see a picture of a gypsum formation here.

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes, for some people, life seems so uncomplicated. But for me, for my life, Christian living is anything but uncomplicated. Take my day tomorrow:

Tomorrow is a Sunday. Good Christians will be at church, right? So therefore, to be a good Christian, I should be at church too, right?

Yeah, that's the easy answer.

My best friend's dad just passed away, and she asked me to stay with her tonight. Unfortunately, James's car has expired plates, so we are down to one car again. Kim lives 30 minutes from the church, so we can't exactly hitch a ride... and because James will have to drive to Kim's house to pick me up after he gets off work, and then drive us both back to church for the evening church... we won't be able to make that one until it's almost over too.

I'm caught in a trap... Either I miss church completely, to be a Christian to my closest friend and be there for her when she needs me, or I desert my friend in order to be able to say I'm a good Christian. Either way, someone will see me as a failure... Either way, I'll be doing something wrong.

Which is more right? To obey the letter of the law (which some would say the verse about not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together refers to not missing church), or to obey the spirit of the law (to show love to a friend when she most needs it)?

I'm packing my bags for Kim's house, believing that God has a plan.

Protection

Today, I found out that God saved my friend Kim's life. Kim and her step-dad were driving to work, when someone attempted to carjack them at gunpoint. (They later found out that the person was running from the cops after being caught in a truck full of crystal meth.) The man ran into their car (with his body) two or three times, and then Kim's step-dad drove off the guy pointed the gun at them but was so out of it from the drugs that he didn't fire.

I really believe that God is protecting my Kim. We get on each other's nerves but she is my soul sister and I'm so glad that God is showing Kim slowly but surely how much he cares for HER... not just for her because she is her son's mama, but because she is KIM. Because she is someone that God loves and values just for who she is.

I feel like crying and just worshiping God a while.

Living a Lie

I met up with a friend who had moved to Washington last night, and had dinner with her... and found myself dealing with some questions that had been nagging at me. Questions that I really wanted to avoid... but needed to face. Don't you hate those???

So, here is my drama: I haven't posted on here too much about my days in the 1st Church of Spiritual Abuse, but they are very much a part of my life. Going to a church where every part of my life was monitored and approved or disapproved by a group of people with severe control issues... yeah. It really did some damage. Now, we are hearing more and more about the deeply sinful lives of the people attending that church at the time... the drunken parties, the constant sex with random partners,... and James was not exactly innocent. He was not "as bad" as the others... but he lived a lie.

Now we have a new start... a new church... we've cut most ties with the sex-addicted partying hypocrits... and here we are.

I watched my brother-in-law gloat about the lie he lived to my friend, watched him tell her the things others in the church did... I watched the hope in her eyes slowly die as she realized everyone she'd looked up to had lived a lie... including... me? I couldn't tell her that my life was perfect... I've done (and continue to do) a lot of things that my church frowns upon. I listen to music that is not Christian... (I *heart* oldies, and country, and even some rock.)... I drink wine... I talk about sex. Lots. Oh, and I'm gluttonous... especially last night, at the buffet we were eating at. (OMW, they had STEAK. *drool*) I feel bad about some of the things I do... the gluttony, the lack of prayer... but the wine and the music? Nope... Biblically, I don't consider either of those to be wrong.

Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just stop buying wine and turn the radio back to the Christian station... go with the flow... mindlessly follow the crowd... swallow the pre-packaged faith that others believe is true... but really... is that not living a lie too?

Probably not a popular decision... one that will probably keep me out of kids ministry permanently. (I will NOT lie to the kids. If they ask if I drink, I will say yes and we can discuss drinking responsibly. I'm guessing this might not go over well with the more conservative parents from the church or the community.) I can't claim to teach about a God who is true, if I'm living a lie.

The Christian Practice

I was reading a post at Melba's blog about her search for something to believe in, and I happened to read this particular section:

"It is the practicality of living that I struggle with. I don't lack faith, just the...commitment? belief? knowledge?...?
It is the practice. I have the faith, but I have not found my practice. and I know that changes and expands as I do."

That is EXACTLY where I am now. I haven't lost my faith in God. I still believe in him, in his power, in his love...

I just question the Christian pratices I see in the world around me. I don't know what it means to be a true Christian.... I don't know what is traditions of man, and what is really how the Bible says to live. I just don't know anymore. I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. And I'm tired of being encouraged to just "go with the flow" and fit back into the mold... Vote Republican cause that's what good white Christians do. Fight gay marriage cause that's what good Christians do. Preach to others because that's what good Christians do. Eat large portions at buffets while gossiping about others, because that's what good Christians do.

There has GOT to be a better way!!!!!!!!!!! There has got to be MORE! This can't be all that God had in mind for us... it just can't. There has to be a better way.

And perhaps if I could at least get into the practice of praying for more than my daily needs, I could find out what that way is. *deep sigh*

Awakening

For the first time in so long, I feel spiritual life and hope stirring up inside me again. God seems to be using circumstances to remind me that he hasn't given up on me... that there IS hope for me.

I'm excited about what is to come.

Unity

There was a time, back in my "spiritually alive" days, when two friends and I would pray together three times per week. We would pray in the empty church, with the lights dim and music playing softly... we would pray together and seperately. We could each find a place to pray alone when we felt like it, and we always came together in the end to pray together for each other's needs.

And then all three of us moved to new towns.

I miss this SO badly. I miss sisterhood. It's been amazingly hard walking alone on this path. I miss having the encouragement, the accountability,... I miss having someone beside me to help me up when I fell. SO OFTEN lately it seems like all I can do is fall down. I feel stuck in a rut of spiritual deadness.

I long for this unity with my husband, but so far that is not happening. I really had hoped that we could walk together... but still I'm alone. Maybe it'll change when we are both going to the same church... or maybe it won't. Maybe by some crazy miracle God will lead people to me who want to pray. Who knows.

Now that this has all been properly vented about, I'm going to leave it in God's hands... and see what will happen.