When?

I wonder if my mind will ever totally recover from the spiritual abuse? Will I ever quit looking back and asking myself if I made the right decision? Will I ever loose my fear that God will tell me I was wrong and need to go back?

Mentors?

It's very wierd... in every area of my life, I have a mentor or two. All that is... except spritual stuff.

Yeah, I've had spiritual mentors before... they have come... and they have gone... leaving my abandonment issues nice and fresh. Not because they were bad people... I think maybe they had this image in their minds of who I would be... and I couldn't acheive it. Now, much later, I know that isn't who I was SUPPOSED to be. But who am I supposed to be? I've totally lost track...

Life is so confusing.

Lost

Lost



My soul looks for it's home

In a new and frightning land



Millions of miles away

From the comfy niche it once called home


Some days, I really struggle with my faith. Today is definately one of them.

I've done a lot of changing in my life in the recent past... and I'm not sure how to integrate the beliefs I hold, into the person I've become.

Two years ago, I was a Spiritual Perfectionist, working my tail off for my spiritually-abusive pastor in an attempt to please God. I was deeply self-righteous (look at all the stuff I DO!) and had dramatic highs and lows in my spiritual life. I was also at my wits end... trying so hard, accomplishing so little, and driving myself into the ground.

Today, I have a new church, and a totally different pastor. I "do" a lot less, but am having the same results! I'm learning what "grace" is, and how it can actually work in my life. My spiritual life is no longer a roller coaster of highs and lows, but a steady walk.

So now I'm looking for a place in the world for the soul of the new Jana. I stand here, looking for direction. What is the purpose of my soul? What is the purpose God created me for?

Where am I at, and where do I go from here?

Small Steps

Through the course of the past year, I've realized that I need to spend more time exploring my faith. Learning, praying, and spending time with other people exploring their faiths... this is important to me.

Helenina asked me if I think I have to go to church to be close to God. So that's our discussion for the moment...

What do YOU think:

Is church attendance vital? Why or why not?

Why Here, Why Now?

You're probably wondering why I have suddenly decided to start a blog about faith...

The better question though, is why I haven't done this sooner. What stopped me from blogging about this area of my life?

Until a few years ago, I had a very nice pre-packaged faith. A faith that said "if you attend this kind of church, you therefore believe the following things". It was a nice faith, and the Jesus I met through it has kept me through some really rough times.

A few years ago, everything began to fall apart. I realized my pastor was spiritually abusive. I moved to a new city, found a job here, and heard God telling me to leave the church I was at.

I started a new life... with my old baggage.

So here I am today, two years later. I've changed deeply, in ways I still can't understand. I've struggled through two years of tremendous growth and healing.

I'm standing today, with a million questions. Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I here?

This blog will be my place to explore how to incorporate such a seemingly-fragile faith into my daily life. I may rant, I may share, or even open the floor for debateful discussions.

You have the right to disagree with me, and express it in any respectful way you choose. I don't expect you all to agree with me, and I look forward to fun chats about our similarities... and our differences.