I met up with a friend who had moved to Washington last night, and had dinner with her... and found myself dealing with some questions that had been nagging at me. Questions that I really wanted to avoid... but needed to face. Don't you hate those???
So, here is my drama: I haven't posted on here too much about my days in the 1st Church of Spiritual Abuse, but they are very much a part of my life. Going to a church where every part of my life was monitored and approved or disapproved by a group of people with severe control issues... yeah. It really did some damage. Now, we are hearing more and more about the deeply sinful lives of the people attending that church at the time... the drunken parties, the constant sex with random partners,... and James was not exactly innocent. He was not "as bad" as the others... but he lived a lie.
Now we have a new start... a new church... we've cut most ties with the sex-addicted partying hypocrits... and here we are.
I watched my brother-in-law gloat about the lie he lived to my friend, watched him tell her the things others in the church did... I watched the hope in her eyes slowly die as she realized everyone she'd looked up to had lived a lie... including... me? I couldn't tell her that my life was perfect... I've done (and continue to do) a lot of things that my church frowns upon. I listen to music that is not Christian... (I *heart* oldies, and country, and even some rock.)... I drink wine... I talk about sex. Lots. Oh, and I'm gluttonous... especially last night, at the buffet we were eating at. (OMW, they had STEAK. *drool*) I feel bad about some of the things I do... the gluttony, the lack of prayer... but the wine and the music? Nope... Biblically, I don't consider either of those to be wrong.
Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just stop buying wine and turn the radio back to the Christian station... go with the flow... mindlessly follow the crowd... swallow the pre-packaged faith that others believe is true... but really... is that not living a lie too?
Probably not a popular decision... one that will probably keep me out of kids ministry permanently. (I will NOT lie to the kids. If they ask if I drink, I will say yes and we can discuss drinking responsibly. I'm guessing this might not go over well with the more conservative parents from the church or the community.) I can't claim to teach about a God who is true, if I'm living a lie.
1 comment:
It seems like sometimes we have to take a complete 180 degree turn from what we’ve been taught before we can decide for ourselves what we believe. Like wiping the slate clean, we have to lead a complete opposite life from the church for a time before we can gain perspective and distinguish between truth and all the rest of the religious mumbo jumbo that has been heaped on top of it by man. I grew up amidst so much legalism and judgment and control, though not as deeply as what you’ve experienced. I lived for a good four or five years completely denying my faith, then started questioning all that I’d been previously taught. But it took that time for me to gain perspective. My brother did much the same and we have slightly different perspectives today, but I think we’ve both found the truth underneath all of that other *stuff* ; )
Just don’t give up. Keep on challenging your faith. Question everything. Seriously.
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