The Christian Practice

I was reading a post at Melba's blog about her search for something to believe in, and I happened to read this particular section:

"It is the practicality of living that I struggle with. I don't lack faith, just the...commitment? belief? knowledge?...?
It is the practice. I have the faith, but I have not found my practice. and I know that changes and expands as I do."

That is EXACTLY where I am now. I haven't lost my faith in God. I still believe in him, in his power, in his love...

I just question the Christian pratices I see in the world around me. I don't know what it means to be a true Christian.... I don't know what is traditions of man, and what is really how the Bible says to live. I just don't know anymore. I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. And I'm tired of being encouraged to just "go with the flow" and fit back into the mold... Vote Republican cause that's what good white Christians do. Fight gay marriage cause that's what good Christians do. Preach to others because that's what good Christians do. Eat large portions at buffets while gossiping about others, because that's what good Christians do.

There has GOT to be a better way!!!!!!!!!!! There has got to be MORE! This can't be all that God had in mind for us... it just can't. There has to be a better way.

And perhaps if I could at least get into the practice of praying for more than my daily needs, I could find out what that way is. *deep sigh*

Awakening

For the first time in so long, I feel spiritual life and hope stirring up inside me again. God seems to be using circumstances to remind me that he hasn't given up on me... that there IS hope for me.

I'm excited about what is to come.

Unity

There was a time, back in my "spiritually alive" days, when two friends and I would pray together three times per week. We would pray in the empty church, with the lights dim and music playing softly... we would pray together and seperately. We could each find a place to pray alone when we felt like it, and we always came together in the end to pray together for each other's needs.

And then all three of us moved to new towns.

I miss this SO badly. I miss sisterhood. It's been amazingly hard walking alone on this path. I miss having the encouragement, the accountability,... I miss having someone beside me to help me up when I fell. SO OFTEN lately it seems like all I can do is fall down. I feel stuck in a rut of spiritual deadness.

I long for this unity with my husband, but so far that is not happening. I really had hoped that we could walk together... but still I'm alone. Maybe it'll change when we are both going to the same church... or maybe it won't. Maybe by some crazy miracle God will lead people to me who want to pray. Who knows.

Now that this has all been properly vented about, I'm going to leave it in God's hands... and see what will happen.

When?

I wonder if my mind will ever totally recover from the spiritual abuse? Will I ever quit looking back and asking myself if I made the right decision? Will I ever loose my fear that God will tell me I was wrong and need to go back?

Mentors?

It's very wierd... in every area of my life, I have a mentor or two. All that is... except spritual stuff.

Yeah, I've had spiritual mentors before... they have come... and they have gone... leaving my abandonment issues nice and fresh. Not because they were bad people... I think maybe they had this image in their minds of who I would be... and I couldn't acheive it. Now, much later, I know that isn't who I was SUPPOSED to be. But who am I supposed to be? I've totally lost track...

Life is so confusing.

Lost

Lost



My soul looks for it's home

In a new and frightning land



Millions of miles away

From the comfy niche it once called home


Some days, I really struggle with my faith. Today is definately one of them.

I've done a lot of changing in my life in the recent past... and I'm not sure how to integrate the beliefs I hold, into the person I've become.

Two years ago, I was a Spiritual Perfectionist, working my tail off for my spiritually-abusive pastor in an attempt to please God. I was deeply self-righteous (look at all the stuff I DO!) and had dramatic highs and lows in my spiritual life. I was also at my wits end... trying so hard, accomplishing so little, and driving myself into the ground.

Today, I have a new church, and a totally different pastor. I "do" a lot less, but am having the same results! I'm learning what "grace" is, and how it can actually work in my life. My spiritual life is no longer a roller coaster of highs and lows, but a steady walk.

So now I'm looking for a place in the world for the soul of the new Jana. I stand here, looking for direction. What is the purpose of my soul? What is the purpose God created me for?

Where am I at, and where do I go from here?

Small Steps

Through the course of the past year, I've realized that I need to spend more time exploring my faith. Learning, praying, and spending time with other people exploring their faiths... this is important to me.

Helenina asked me if I think I have to go to church to be close to God. So that's our discussion for the moment...

What do YOU think:

Is church attendance vital? Why or why not?