A Fragile Faith

Ask Me No Questions

2008-08-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

A while back, I posted a question on an e-mail group I'm on... a question I thought was innocent enough, but evidently not. (Names withheld) I asked:

"Hi everyone!

Have any of you done the "_______" study from
_______? We're doing it on Wed nights at our church and I have to say... in spite of my general hatred of all things prophetic, I'm actually ENJOYING it and getting a lot out of it.... I'm also the resident cynic, taking notes about what he says and then deciding if he has proved each point or not. *guilty grin* Surprisingly... he seems to have proven almost everything so far!!!!"

Part of one reply I received shocked me so much! Person X said, among other things:

"Make sure you still remember that the Lord gets sweeter every single day and you dont need to question verything....study it, dig into it, but be careful "questioning" go find some thing wrong. It is like given the devil an opportunity for a strong hold on you. "

I also received other replies, hinting that I was rebelling against my pastor, didn't believe in the Bible, etc...

I have to admit that this drama has hurt me... not only do I wish I'd never spoken, but I feel like I've crossed a line I can never come back from... I'll never be seen the same again. I feel unforgiveable. I've been on this e-mail list for almost 10 years... we've laughed together, cried together, prayed together, studied the Bible together, heck, I've even driven to meet different people from the list in real life! We even had an official group meeting and church service once.

I don't know what to do... this list has been my security blanket... my one thing that reminds me that no matter how bad I've screwed up my spiritual walk, I'm working my way back. And now I've been too bad, and lost them... I wish someone would just for once decide to help me up, instead of walking away in disgust when they see me down.

The Alabaster Box

2008-08-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

You might have already heard about the woman with the Alabaster box, or maybe you haven't. Her story is found in Luke 7:36-50, but I'll give an overview here. Jesus had been invited to eat at the house of a hoity-toity man (Lucky him. *eye roll*) They'd just gotten seated at the table for their meal, when their meal was rudely interupted by "a woman who had lived a sinful life." She didn't come in to seduce the men, or to convince them to sin like her....

She threw herself at Jesus's feet, and began to weep. She washed his feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and began to kiss them and anoint them with perfume she brought in a box made out of alabaster. She is the greatest example of humility I've ever seen...

The other men in the room began to mutter and become offended. They doubted his power, because he let a woman so sinful touch him. I mean, if he were so powerful, wouldn't he have KNOWN she was a sinner?

Jesus began to compare Simon the Pharasee (the hoity-toity who'd invited him to eat there) to this woman.

Simon, you didn't even give me some water to rinse my feet off with when I entered your house. This woman wept at my feet, and washed my feet with her TEARS.
You did not give me the customary greeting of a kiss, but this woman will not quit kissing MY FEET.
You did not put oil on my head, but this woman poured her perfume ON MY FEET.

Jesus explained that he forgave her... she had done many things wrong, but that didn't make her trash to him... it made her someone who would love him that much deeper, because so much had been forgiven. Simon, on the other hand, did not see his sin... he considered himself having done so little wrong, that forgiveness meant next to nothing to him.

Psalm 51:17 says: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."

I think Simon must not have read that verse lol He was so caught up in being "holy" by obeying rules, that he missed the heart of God.

A wierd note that I found today, that brought this scripture to my mind: Alabaster (what her perfume container was made out of), comes from either calcite or gypsum, both of which come from CAVES. You can see a picture of a gypsum formation here.

Decisions, Decisions

2008-08-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, for some people, life seems so uncomplicated. But for me, for my life, Christian living is anything but uncomplicated. Take my day tomorrow:

Tomorrow is a Sunday. Good Christians will be at church, right? So therefore, to be a good Christian, I should be at church too, right?

Yeah, that's the easy answer.

My best friend's dad just passed away, and she asked me to stay with her tonight. Unfortunately, James's car has expired plates, so we are down to one car again. Kim lives 30 minutes from the church, so we can't exactly hitch a ride... and because James will have to drive to Kim's house to pick me up after he gets off work, and then drive us both back to church for the evening church... we won't be able to make that one until it's almost over too.

I'm caught in a trap... Either I miss church completely, to be a Christian to my closest friend and be there for her when she needs me, or I desert my friend in order to be able to say I'm a good Christian. Either way, someone will see me as a failure... Either way, I'll be doing something wrong.

Which is more right? To obey the letter of the law (which some would say the verse about not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together refers to not missing church), or to obey the spirit of the law (to show love to a friend when she most needs it)?

I'm packing my bags for Kim's house, believing that God has a plan.

Protection

2008-08-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today, I found out that God saved my friend Kim's life. Kim and her step-dad were driving to work, when someone attempted to carjack them at gunpoint. (They later found out that the person was running from the cops after being caught in a truck full of crystal meth.) The man ran into their car (with his body) two or three times, and then Kim's step-dad drove off the guy pointed the gun at them but was so out of it from the drugs that he didn't fire.

I really believe that God is protecting my Kim. We get on each other's nerves but she is my soul sister and I'm so glad that God is showing Kim slowly but surely how much he cares for HER... not just for her because she is her son's mama, but because she is KIM. Because she is someone that God loves and values just for who she is.

I feel like crying and just worshiping God a while.

Living a Lie

2008-07-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

I met up with a friend who had moved to Washington last night, and had dinner with her... and found myself dealing with some questions that had been nagging at me. Questions that I really wanted to avoid... but needed to face. Don't you hate those???

So, here is my drama: I haven't posted on here too much about my days in the 1st Church of Spiritual Abuse, but they are very much a part of my life. Going to a church where every part of my life was monitored and approved or disapproved by a group of people with severe control issues... yeah. It really did some damage. Now, we are hearing more and more about the deeply sinful lives of the people attending that church at the time... the drunken parties, the constant sex with random partners,... and James was not exactly innocent. He was not "as bad" as the others... but he lived a lie.

Now we have a new start... a new church... we've cut most ties with the sex-addicted partying hypocrits... and here we are.

I watched my brother-in-law gloat about the lie he lived to my friend, watched him tell her the things others in the church did... I watched the hope in her eyes slowly die as she realized everyone she'd looked up to had lived a lie... including... me? I couldn't tell her that my life was perfect... I've done (and continue to do) a lot of things that my church frowns upon. I listen to music that is not Christian... (I *heart* oldies, and country, and even some rock.)... I drink wine... I talk about sex. Lots. Oh, and I'm gluttonous... especially last night, at the buffet we were eating at. (OMW, they had STEAK. *drool*) I feel bad about some of the things I do... the gluttony, the lack of prayer... but the wine and the music? Nope... Biblically, I don't consider either of those to be wrong.

Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just stop buying wine and turn the radio back to the Christian station... go with the flow... mindlessly follow the crowd... swallow the pre-packaged faith that others believe is true... but really... is that not living a lie too?

Probably not a popular decision... one that will probably keep me out of kids ministry permanently. (I will NOT lie to the kids. If they ask if I drink, I will say yes and we can discuss drinking responsibly. I'm guessing this might not go over well with the more conservative parents from the church or the community.) I can't claim to teach about a God who is true, if I'm living a lie.

The Christian Practice

2008-06-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post at Melba's blog about her search for something to believe in, and I happened to read this particular section:

"It is the practicality of living that I struggle with. I don't lack faith, just the...commitment? belief? knowledge?...?
It is the practice. I have the faith, but I have not found my practice. and I know that changes and expands as I do."

That is EXACTLY where I am now. I haven't lost my faith in God. I still believe in him, in his power, in his love...

I just question the Christian pratices I see in the world around me. I don't know what it means to be a true Christian.... I don't know what is traditions of man, and what is really how the Bible says to live. I just don't know anymore. I have SO MANY QUESTIONS. And I'm tired of being encouraged to just "go with the flow" and fit back into the mold... Vote Republican cause that's what good white Christians do. Fight gay marriage cause that's what good Christians do. Preach to others because that's what good Christians do. Eat large portions at buffets while gossiping about others, because that's what good Christians do.

There has GOT to be a better way!!!!!!!!!!! There has got to be MORE! This can't be all that God had in mind for us... it just can't. There has to be a better way.

And perhaps if I could at least get into the practice of praying for more than my daily needs, I could find out what that way is. *deep sigh*

Awakening

2008-05-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

For the first time in so long, I feel spiritual life and hope stirring up inside me again. God seems to be using circumstances to remind me that he hasn't given up on me... that there IS hope for me.

I'm excited about what is to come.

Unity

2008-05-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

There was a time, back in my "spiritually alive" days, when two friends and I would pray together three times per week. We would pray in the empty church, with the lights dim and music playing softly... we would pray together and seperately. We could each find a place to pray alone when we felt like it, and we always came together in the end to pray together for each other's needs.

And then all three of us moved to new towns.

I miss this SO badly. I miss sisterhood. It's been amazingly hard walking alone on this path. I miss having the encouragement, the accountability,... I miss having someone beside me to help me up when I fell. SO OFTEN lately it seems like all I can do is fall down. I feel stuck in a rut of spiritual deadness.

I long for this unity with my husband, but so far that is not happening. I really had hoped that we could walk together... but still I'm alone. Maybe it'll change when we are both going to the same church... or maybe it won't. Maybe by some crazy miracle God will lead people to me who want to pray. Who knows.

Now that this has all been properly vented about, I'm going to leave it in God's hands... and see what will happen.

When?

2007-12-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

I wonder if my mind will ever totally recover from the spiritual abuse? Will I ever quit looking back and asking myself if I made the right decision? Will I ever loose my fear that God will tell me I was wrong and need to go back?

Mentors?

2007-10-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

It's very wierd... in every area of my life, I have a mentor or two. All that is... except spritual stuff.

Yeah, I've had spiritual mentors before... they have come... and they have gone... leaving my abandonment issues nice and fresh. Not because they were bad people... I think maybe they had this image in their minds of who I would be... and I couldn't acheive it. Now, much later, I know that isn't who I was SUPPOSED to be. But who am I supposed to be? I've totally lost track...

Life is so confusing.

Lost

2007-08-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

Lost

My soul looks for it's home

In a new and frightning land

Millions of miles away

From the comfy niche it once called home

Some days, I really struggle with my faith. Today is definately one of them.

I've done a lot of changing in my life in the recent past... and I'm not sure how to integrate the beliefs I hold, into the person I've become.

Two years ago, I was a Spiritual Perfectionist, working my tail off for my spiritually-abusive pastor in an attempt to please God. I was deeply self-righteous (look at all the stuff I DO!) and had dramatic highs and lows in my spiritual life. I was also at my wits end... trying so hard, accomplishing so little, and driving myself into the ground.

Today, I have a new church, and a totally different pastor. I "do" a lot less, but am having the same results! I'm learning what "grace" is, and how it can actually work in my life. My spiritual life is no longer a roller coaster of highs and lows, but a steady walk.

So now I'm looking for a place in the world for the soul of the new Jana. I stand here, looking for direction. What is the purpose of my soul? What is the purpose God created me for?

Where am I at, and where do I go from here?

Small Steps

2007-08-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

Through the course of the past year, I've realized that I need to spend more time exploring my faith. Learning, praying, and spending time with other people exploring their faiths... this is important to me.

Helenina asked me if I think I have to go to church to be close to God. So that's our discussion for the moment...

What do YOU think:

Is church attendance vital? Why or why not?

Why Here, Why Now?

2007-07-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

You're probably wondering why I have suddenly decided to start a blog about faith...

The better question though, is why I haven't done this sooner. What stopped me from blogging about this area of my life?

Until a few years ago, I had a very nice pre-packaged faith. A faith that said "if you attend this kind of church, you therefore believe the following things". It was a nice faith, and the Jesus I met through it has kept me through some really rough times.

A few years ago, everything began to fall apart. I realized my pastor was spiritually abusive. I moved to a new city, found a job here, and heard God telling me to leave the church I was at.

I started a new life... with my old baggage.

So here I am today, two years later. I've changed deeply, in ways I still can't understand. I've struggled through two years of tremendous growth and healing.

I'm standing today, with a million questions. Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I here?

This blog will be my place to explore how to incorporate such a seemingly-fragile faith into my daily life. I may rant, I may share, or even open the floor for debateful discussions.

You have the right to disagree with me, and express it in any respectful way you choose. I don't expect you all to agree with me, and I look forward to fun chats about our similarities... and our differences.